he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
