My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
