the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
