Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
