We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
