she woke up with a sticky ear
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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