If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize