I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
