When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
