I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
