It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
