I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
