i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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