I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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