I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
