Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
