babies were throwing up all over the place
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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