i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
