how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
