I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
