It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
