my sisters under your porch take her home
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
