What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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