Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
