I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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