found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
