the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
