just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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