Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
