We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
