96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
