Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
