how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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