So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
