Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
