She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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