Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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