She is in my trunk
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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