Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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