Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
