How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
