I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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