I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
