I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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