Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
