i jhust puked up my retainher.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
