Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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