Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize