Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
