I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
