Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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