Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
