Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
