i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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