And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
