Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
